As I sit here tonight thoughts of the phone call we would be receiving 12 years ago tomorrow morning are swirling through my head. “You and John need to get down here now.” I called back with a dread and said, “Is it?” And Tom said-“yes”! I remember saying, “Clear the house!” We needed a minute to process and didn’t need an audience. It was a gracious group of ladies- military ladies that had come to serve breakfast. They understood and were gone in 30 seconds!
And then it was to receive the news in a formal way. The hope for having James physically back was gone. As painful and heartbreaking as it was with a solid faith foundation I can’t even process how I could do this without the Lord. How can you believe that you simply-“live, you die, the end”. How could I turn away from God or call into question His existence?
Reading this post I shared a few years ago just the other day, I knew I needed to share it again. We need a word of hope in our pit of despair. After 12 years it’s still painful and at times hard to believe! We must trust a Plan we will never understand on this side. And our grief will look different over time but grief never fully dissolves. Honestly, I wouldn’t want it to because I believe when grief is fully gone passion diminishes as well. These words are from Max Lucado.
“Not everyone understands your grief. They did at first. They did at the funeral. They did at the graveside. But they don’t now. They don’t understand. Grief lingers…
You buried more than a person. You buried some of yourself. A dream died. You are dealing with unlived tomorrows…you are battling disappointment. You’re also battling anger. Anger lives in sorrow’s house.
Anger takes the form of a three letter question- why? Why him? Why her? Why now? Only God knows the reasons behind the actions. A truth on which we can stand is this:
‘Our God is a Good God.’
But how can death be good? When the quantity of years has outstripped the quality of years we don’t ask how death can be good
But the father of the dead teenager does. The thirty one year old widow does. The mom who never got to take her baby home from the hospital does. How could death be good?
Part of the answer is found in Isaiah 57:1-2. ‘Good people are taken away and no one understands. Those who do right are taken away from evil and are given peace. Those who live as God wants find rest in death.’”
I have clung to this verse since early in the search for James. Psalm 139:16-‘All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old…’
Grief comes to all of us. We can’t control that but we can control 💯% our response. We continue to trust God with all of the story not just the parts we like and by doing that we see that Our God is a Good Father. I do wonder, if he were here at age 29- what would James be doing today?